DON’T Say THIS to a Caregiver!

It is no secret that sometimes our friends, even our closest friends, just don’t know what to say to make us feel better.  The truth is that there aren’t many things one can say to make caregiving easier. There are no platitudes, no cliches, no magic words, no secret coded phrases that will make it easier to care for our loved ones.

So, sometimes our friends say things that they HOPE will help. They really have good intentions most of the time. But sometimes we say things that aren’t practical or helpful, without realizing it. Here is a short list of what NOT to say to a caregiver and why.

“The days will go by so quickly.” No, they don’t, and the nights are even longer.

“He/She will be so thankful for all you do for them. They will thank you over and over again.” This is not necessarily true, especially if there is loss of cognition. In fact, when your loved one DOES thank you, write it down and mark that day because it may not happen again! Be thankful for all positive comments from them.

“We’ll be right here with you to help you,” says our friend. That is a nice sentiment, and they probably mean well, but when it comes to the most personal care we give, we end up doing it alone 99% of the time. While we would ask a CNA to help with personal clean-up, we wouldn’t ask that of a social friend. And the CNA will not be there during most times when things get messy.

“You should rest/sleep every time they do, just like when you have a young baby.” That also sounds good, but there are 2 problems with that. First, while our loved one sleeps, sometimes all we can think about is how much there is to do around the house. Second, just when we finally nod off to nap, we hear them call our name. They need us or they want something. It is so hard to relax when we know it will likely be short-lived.

“Be sure to get out with your loved one often. It will help both of you!” That sounds good, but do our non-caregiver friends know how much work it takes to get them ready and into the car with all the extra things they need to take? Yes, we want to take them places, but it is a LOT of work. Yes, it is probably worth it most of the time, but I repeat – it is a LOT of work.

Now that you know what NOT to say, you’d probably like some replacements. What do we want to hear? Here are a few:

• “You’re doing a great job. Is there anything I can do to help?”
• “Can I just come by for a quick visit with you and your spouse? I promise to stay just a few minutes.”
• “I’m stopping by our favorite coffee shop. What can I bring for you and your spouse?”
• “Don’t give up. I cannot even imagine how hard it is, but you’re doing well. I’m so proud of you.”

We just need encouragement, not suggestions or solutions. Just support!

Thanks for reading, commenting, encouraging, and being a good friend.

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